Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

i want it utterly assaulted.

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”

“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?