I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
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Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical