Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

I think the cat got the dog high.

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.