Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

A collection of me turning into random objects.

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

can you read it!!??

maan!

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.