I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
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Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
It was worth a shot 😂
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
When your parents check you’re ok.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.