I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
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The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Google assistant rules
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this