Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.