Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B

Me: Hell ya I do

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)