I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
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My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?