I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
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you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Check your privilege
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.