Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

[Waffle House interview]

Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”

Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”

Manager:“When can you start?”

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast