Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie