I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
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That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
A friend helps you before you need it
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
“What base is it when you share your chocolates?”
Me eating MY chocolates:
I wouldn’t know
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.