I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
You Might Also Like
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
incredible text to wake up to
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.