Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

What the dentist sees

[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“

the track:

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

I get distracted pretty eas

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]