I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
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Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
why would tinder want me to say this
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
When your diet is finally over.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.