Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

*lost my marbles*

Weighs myself

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street