I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
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[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Not today
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working