i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
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My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?