Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dead inside

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart

Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes