i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
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“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
*puts cutlery down*
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Tough love is true love
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.