Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little

Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

“work hard so your future self can live a good life”

pfft, what has he ever done for me?

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

oh sorry i cant im busy that day