I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
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This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Got him!
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Sure. Why not?
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped