I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
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Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Truth
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
How did we not see this back then?
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
The first one, obviously
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.