I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’