Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

felt that

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me