I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
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WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
This headline is a thing of beauty
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
They must have gotten it to go.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Sniffing the broccoli
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being