I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
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I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Pringles
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old