@SexyInsomniac

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

You Might Also Like

@favamp

If I were a dinosaur, I’d be a swagasaurus.

@ghostkrogh

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

@GrabTheWEness

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

@KenJennings

ANIMALS IT’S OK TO KILL IN AFRICA
1. Mosquitoes
2. Terminally ill zebra who signed a DNR
3. The Nazi monkey from Raiders of the Lost Ark

@offbeatoliv

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

@BromanConsul

cute girl just saw me try to walk and drink water at the same time so dating her is off the table now

@daemonic3

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

@SardonicTart

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”