I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
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Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.