Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

Life is a suicide mission.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

rise and shine we got egg

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job