I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.