Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Time is NOT Real Institute]

BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME {coyly}: Time is not real

BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?

ME: Right away

BOSS: …

ME: Oh shi-

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

[couples therapy]

Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…

Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

I’m not proud

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds