I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
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Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow