Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

I love texting my boyfriend

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

It’s password awareness Friday.

Today I offer free consulting.

Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.

Yup

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”