I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
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My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”