I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
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So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
live long and prosper!
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.