Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

See..?

.

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

definitely did not do anything wrong

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..

by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S