Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane