I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
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30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.