I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
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Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
the zen of frog
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.