I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
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[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
buying dead houseplants to save time
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.