Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

Happy Friday

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake