Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

I think the cat got the dog high.

“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

the pigeons are already plenty salty

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.