I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
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Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
and this one
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Strangers have the best candy.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…