I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
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(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.