I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
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There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Saturday
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.