Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

When you let grandma cat sit

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?