I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
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No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
become ungovernable
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.