Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST