Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

Son: I want a quinceañera.

Me: You can’t have one

Son: Why not?

Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year

*ps: he is also 16*

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”