Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this

Netflix: We have Less

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.