I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
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Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
The real reason evolution started..😂
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL