Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

Tastes like chicken.

Spoiler Alert: I was late

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.

me: HOOAH!!!

sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.

[places wicker basket back in locker]

me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.