Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

we’re gonna need another temp

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.