I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
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Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
They grow up so quick
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.