Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?