I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.
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At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
first you must answer his riddles
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
this year felt like being awake during surgery
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.