Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.