Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.

clean window: [exists]

toddlers: what’s that taste like

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3

Dwayne Johnson:

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕