I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
You Might Also Like
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
im gay on my mothers side
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Pretty certain I can more drunk
