I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
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I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
is this a threat
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Bro what is this
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.