I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
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I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
the short answer to this question
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*