I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
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BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
This is hilarious….
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Every. Damn. Time.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST