Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water

me looking at the christmas cookie tray:

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

Wife: I’m pissed!

Me: still or again?

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.