Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car

where the womens at?

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.