I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
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It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now