Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

Why do meteors always land in craters?

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.