I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
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The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.